I tried to separate my personal life from this magazine because I wanted something for the community by the community, and felt that it would seem vain to include anything about me. However, I told some people my story because I felt alone in my situation, only to find out that many people deal with the same thing. I was cheated on. Although it may seem like a common event, it was deeper than that. I made this visual to explain what I was feeling. The breakup had left me so defeated, it felt like I was a doll being pulled around in different directions. If someone hurt me I would usually bite my tongue. I’d rather taste the metal of my own sadness instead of facing the reality of the situation; I was hurt. I used to think that not thinking about the bad things that happen to your life made you strong, but it didn’t. It made you distracted. I spent my whole life holding things in and trying to be strong, and then i fell in love. I would wake up and feel like i wanted to see every part of this world. I felt protected, and beautiful. His hair was like fire and even in a crowd of hundreds i always knew where he was. His teeth were so sharp and everytime he smiled they would twinkle in the light, and it made me feel unstoppable.
My ex cheated on me twice actually, the first time I forgave him because I didn’t want that feeling to leave. He was my support and I knew that if I didn’t forgive him, it would leave. I had never had a real relationship before and the thought of it being taken away horrified me. A week later I found out he had an online relationship with someone else. I saw the emails myself. He told her that he loved her, and that broke me. That thing holding all the pain and sadness back, it just broke and in a blink of an eye everything flooded. I couldn’t focus at work, couldn’t walk the same route home anymore, I couldn’t even sleep without feeling this unexplainable pain. I would wake up in the morning and just cry because I thought that I deserved it. For some reason I truly believed that some how it was my fault and I should have seen it coming. I was dwelling on the problem, and not trying to fix it. In the past, i used to smoke away my problems. When i was younger, I used to cut myself because I thought some how there had to be a way to get rid of this pain. I made this film to try to explain to people how horrible I was doing…and it saved me. I had never put true pain into art. I usually have references from my life to help evoke something else, but i never truly sat down and made a personal piece based off what i was feeling. This piece made me re think the content of this magazine, and what I want it to be in the future.
I didn’t realize back then that I had relied on other people to be my support, when really I needed to learn how to support myself. Even if I didn’t find out I was cheated on, I still would have lived everyday believing that my happiness and support depended on the people in my life. It doesn’t. I found out, my support is my art. Creating something from true pain or true happiness is my support because its 100% me. There is no lie in it, there’s no secrecy. No betrayal, no conflicts. I am still learning how to be my own support system, and I started by going to a therapist. This may seem personal, which it is, but i only share this because mental health is a topic we do not discuss, ESPECIALLY in the queer & Latin community. We come from a world that was taught to hate us on scriptures that were before our time, so we are already born into this world with trauma. That’s why its important for people to be honest with their feelings. Holding in your pain doesn’t help you process the damage that’s happened to you. I learned its okay to need help, it’s okay to feel upset, but no one is going to truly help you but you. I’m sharing this with the video because I hope it speaks to someone who is feeling lost like I did. Find ways to turn your pain into art. Turn it into fuel at the gym. Make it into a new concept for a book. Sculpt into clay and make it into a masterpiece.
This piece was inspired by a film i saw on a date we had went on. We went to the Metropolitan Museum of art and there was this film playing. “Roma” By Felenini, and there was a scene when this angle came stumbling down the runway. Its hands shook as it franticly ran around the stage, dead rose petals fell down around it as it cried. It was one of my favorite memories. We had walked into this huge grand hall and we both looked at this Dior piece of an angle in a beautiful dress. Its body was so strong yet so fragile. We both started crying at the sight of its beauty, and to this day I think about that feeling. Being moved, touched from a piece thats so foreign yet so personal to you. That human connection of just crying in silence with someone. I’ve been featuring a black eye a lot and its because i wanted to externalize the feeling of lost. That beaten up feeling. I felt like for a moment this magazine was getting too pretty, too beautiful. Things were too staged and it didn’t feel authentic to me, so I hope this piece is the start of a new era of ice Vice Magazine.